Monday, May 3, 2010

The Crap Job Interview- What the Hell to Do

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Dear Rebecca Lu Kiernan,

I am a talented, smart, hard-working salesperson who has been knocked down by the economic disaster. I have been searching for a job to no avail. The employment office has been no help at all and I am sick and tired of job "opportunities" that try to get you to invest money or just hire everybody who walks in to work straight commission with no benefits or guarantees or even gas money for the door-to-door crap.

I did my hair and makeup and wore my lucky suit for yet another crap job interview the other day. When they told me it was fifty hours a week and straight commission, and that I should make a list of everybody I know, (This was their free lead generating system), I just stood up and said "goodbye". What's a non-working girl to do??

Sharry
Detroit Michigan

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Dear Sharry in Detroit,

Next time you find yourself at a crap job interview, I suggest you politely say, "Please excuse me one moment." Tell them you have to make an emergency phone call and ask for a free beverage while they wait. Grab your cell phone and call the police. Say, "Hello, I would like to report a white slavery operation." Give the address and wait for the sirens. Spit on a tissue and mess up your makeup. Spit on your hands and rake your hair toward your face as though you have been rolling on the ground. Rip your blouse and make sure your bra is showing. When the cops arrive, say, "I don't want to have sex with strangers and barnyard animals!"

I also suggest you stop looking for a job in normal ways. The internet and classifieds just aren't working these days. Drive around town and find a pretty building, a big one with lots of offices and corporate chaos. Show up at the front desk, give your name and tell them you are reporting for your first day of work in sales. When they express confusion, say the message was left on your machine and you didn't get the name. They will look for a resume or job application. Of course, they won't find one. Tell them you will be happy to fill out your new hire paperwork and bring your resume (again) tomorrow. Congratulations on inventing your new job!
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LEGAL NOTE- This web site is chiefly for entertainment purposes. Never, ever lie to the police, but I bet if you show up for a nonexistant job 20 times, you will get one job out of it, and one job is all you need. Stranger things have happened. Creativity breeds paychecks.
-Rebecca Lu Kiernan
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